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News Bulletin
_______________________________________________________________________________________Show Show Me the Mammon!
By Ryan Bleek
DeityPhobia News

Houston- The Eye of the Needle Investment Group announced on Friday the creation of its Tithes & Offerings Promised Blessing Income Fund, or TOP-BIF. The mutual fund claims up to a 1000% return on investment. "A lot of people tell me, ‘Mike that’s crazy. You can’t possibly beat the market by that much’," says the fund’s creator Mike Ridley. "That’s true if we were simply investing in corporations. But God’s arithmetic is different." TOP-BIF uses its investors’ assets to finance churches’ building funds, buy satellite time for televangelists, and to tithe to various mega-churches.

Ridley says he came up with the idea for TOP-BIF after he personally experienced the rewards of giving. "I was in church one Sunday when, just before they passed the offering plate around, a businessman gave his testimony. He said that after he started tithing his business started to thrive. When the plate came around I knew I should give, cause I needed money too." On his way home from church, Ridley claims, he found a wallet with $500 inside. "It must have been someone’s rent money or something. Either way, it was proof that God really does reward our faithful giving. I knew I was onto something huge. That’s where the vision for TOP-BIF was born."

When asked if there are studies to back up his claims of incredible investment returns, Ridley replies that the evidence is "purely, but solidly" anecdotal. "If you want to hear some incredible stories about God’s financial blessings, just visit a church that is in the middle of raising funds for a new building." According to Ridley, the results are 100% consistent. "The testimonies are always the same. If you give to God, God will give to you."

What, says Ridley, is the best part of investing in Tithes & Offerings Promised Blessing Income Fund? "It’s all in complete obedience to the Word. I could pull out verse after verse that refer to the Lord’s blessings. I haven’t read the whole Bible myself, but it seems from the sermons I hear that pretty much the whole idea of it is that God really wants to bless us. The easiest way to make God bless us is to give. That’s why I created TOP-BIF." And the greatest part for investors is that the blessings always seem to be denominated in US dollars.

If anyone would like to write a satire article for DeityPhobia News, write me at Ryan@DeityPhobia.com