Deityphobia Blogs

Ryan, K-12 (1st grade)

2007-09-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

This is the second part of the series "Ryan, K-12". For those of you who missed it, you can find the first one here. As always, these are real memories.

1st Grade

1. Even at a young age I had my priorities straight. For some strange reason, Mr. Burke, my first grade teacher, let the class divide itself up into teams of four for what was to become an ongoing competition of trying to get the most addition flash cards correctly done within a certain period of time. (1) Naturally, being the math wiz that I was, my services were in high demand. Three other math whizzes (though less so than myself, of course) asked me to join their team to form what would have been an absolutely unstoppable mathematical force. However, when the most beautiful girl in the class and the love of my year, Dejaun (pronounced with a soft ‘J’), and her friend, Kendra, who just so happened to be the second most beautiful girl in the class, asked me to join their team, I simply could not refuse. Unfortunately, all other competent classmates had already joined teams. We were made to accept as a teammate one of the said dumb kids named Rachel.

2. I can’t forget Rachel, because she was the reason that we didn’t finish 1st in the final competition of our class’s teams versus the other first grade class’s teams (we still finished fourth). It was made to be some special event one evening with prizes, and everyone’s families came and such. Walking out to the parking lot afterwards, I saw Rachel crying because we didn’t win. I remember thinking that she doesn’t have the right to be crying. “Me, Dejaun, and Kendra should be the ones crying,” I said to myself, “because we would have won without you.” (2)

3. Mr. Burke, I’m not sure why I spent half the year confused as to whether your name was Mr. Burke or Mr. Bird. I think it’s because half the class called you Mr. Bird.

2. ‘Damn’ means “going to hell”. We don’t say ‘damn’. (3)

3. Thank you, Ezekiel. You were the first black person I ever personally knew. I’m glad you weren’t a bully or something, because I would hate to have grown up a racist.

4. And I’m sorry, Ezekiel, but I maintain that my eyelashes are longer than yours.

5. If you really, really don’t like doing handwriting exercises you might conclude that the best solution is to take the assignment, fold it up, and put it in your back pocket for final disposal at home that evening. Apparently this isn’t the best idea. Out of sight may mean out of mind, but it does not, however, mean “out of computation of the final grade.”

6. Just about every day I asked my mom for two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This wasn’t because I wanted two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. This was because I wanted one “jelly and even more jelly sandwich”. The peanut butter sides were discarded.

7. Mr. Burke, why did you have to tell the class near the end of the year that Dejaun and I were neck ‘n neck in the race for “Student of the Year” (4)? You put me in a terrible quandary. Should I continue my high achieving ways and deprive my precious beauty of the honor, or should I tank the race and let my love win the award?

8. These words are being composed by Mr. Burke’s 1986-87 “Student of the Year”. Infatuation is a powerful thing, but competition is more so.

9. Thank you, dad, for telling me that you were really proud of me for also winning “Most Outstanding Christian Character”, and that that award was more important to you than winning “Student of the Year”. But where were your damn priorities?

10. I also won the “Psalm 119” award for best scripture memorization. This confused me greatly because we never memorized Psalm 119. (I get it now, though it still doesn’t make perfect sense. The award was named in reference to the fact that Psalm 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible). (5) Anyway, the point is this: I could memorize scripture like a sonuvabitch.

11. One afternoon I was hanging around the hall after class with a couple of my classmates, and we were reciting this timeless work of poetry:

Trick or treat,
Smell my feat,
Give me something good to eat.
If you don’t,
I don’t care,
I’ll pull down your underwear.

I know that sounds like a party, and it was, but the librarian who overheard us was not a connoisseur of such highbrow prose. She gave us a choice: take a note home telling our parents what we did, or come up with a nice rhyme for the next day. Naturally my parents could not be allowed to find out about my grave transgression, so I chose the latter. One of my fellow offenders did the same. The next day he (Chris) asked me what I came up with. So I told him, “You are sweet and neat.” That afternoon I was to go see the librarian to tell her my rhyme, so I did just that. And she told me mine was the same rhyme that Chris told her.

The lesson is clear: while there may be honor among thieves, there is no honor among reciters of slightly-off-color rhymes. If the time ever comes, you best remember that. If you don’t, I don’t care, I will, once again, pull down your underwear.

1.I’m sure the dumb kids didn’t mind being actively shunned. Maybe he figured they were too dumb to even notice.

2.Rachel, if you’re reading this, here is an addition problem for you. What is 3 + 1? When the 1 is you, then 3 + 1= AN EFFING LOSING EFFING TEAM!

3.Ideally, we also don’t actually go to hell.

4.You see, Dejaun had beauty and brains. I remain a sucker for this powerful combination. Strangely, either one by itself does little for me. This may explain why I am still single. Dejaun, where art thou?

5. Psalm 117 is the shortest book of the Bible. Students of the year know this kind of stuff.

Dear, Mr. President

2007-09-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite dumb people are those that blame the President for gas prices being so high. I suppose that the President could get in a time machine, go back a decade or so and plead with oil executives to spend more money exploring for oil and ask the leaders of oil producing nations to strengthen the rule of law and relax export taxes to create a more oil-business friendly environment in order to make it more attractive for oil companies to do business in their countries. While he's back in time he could also try and build a few oil refineries to increase refining capacity and ask car companies to reconsider the millions of gas-guzzling trucks and suv's they will build in the next ten years. Finally, he could fly over to China, India, and other developing nations and ask them to stop buying so many new cars and to stop building new factories, thus decreasing demand for oil.

Short of all this, the President has virtually NOTHING to do with current gas prices. That certainly does not stop all kinds of stupid people from blaming him, though. It is to these people that I dedicate a new series I am going to start where I write a letter to the President about something he has absolutely no control over. You're just going to have to take my word for it that I am actually sending these emails to the Whitehouse. Here is the first. (I suppose that I could be accused of wasting whomever's time it is that has to screen these. I guess I can't argue with that except to say that I think it will be an entertaining break from all of the hate mail I'm sure they receive.)

My Dearest President,

I recently drove from Seattle to Springfield, Missouri (don't ask). Along the way I made a couple of stops at Arby's. Personally, I think that Arby's is one of the finest fast food establishments around. (I particularly enjoy their french dip sandwiches) However, I really think that their "Pick five for $5.95" menu is designed to force individuals to pay for one more item than the average consumer needs. I mean, even when I'm really hungry (and I would imagine that my appetite is fairly typical) one drink, two sandwiches (typically both will be Arby's Melts, since I'm not a big fan of their Ham and Cheese) and a medium fry are plenty for me. I usually don't have room in my belly for one of the turnovers. Consequently, whatever I choose as the fifth item often goes uneaten. Sure, if I'm with other people I can usually unload it on someone else. But where does that leave me next time I'm driving across the country alone?

If you have a few minutes today, maybe you could give someone over at Arby's a call (Brian in Fort Collins, Colorado was particularly friendly). If they could also start a "Pick four for $4.94" menu, the world would really be a better place. And actually, as I am often eschewing soft drinks these days (to cut down on the liquid calories), a "Pick three for $3.93" menu would also be quite beneficial. Arby's will probably say that they don't have the space on their menus to make the additions, but they just need to get creative (maybe they could use some sort of hologram technology).

Mr. President, I greatly appreciate your help in this matter. I expect to walk into an Arby's soon and be able to pick 5, 4, or 3 at my leisure. Have a great rest of September. Tell Dick that Ryan says "Hey". Thanks,

Ryan Bleek

P. S. Could you also do something about gas prices?

Hold the Line

2007-01-30T17:16:00.000-08:00

The irony goblin viciously attacked my friend's truck on Saturday as he was graciously changing out an acquaintance's (just kidding Dan and Hollie- a friend's) radiator. Consequently, he was without a vehicle to get to work yesterday. We managed to strike up an agreement so that he would gain the use of my car for the day if he would try really hard for one week to not be incredibly attracted to other men. How is that going, Josh (1)?

Anyway, I say all of this to mention that I rode the bus to work yesterday, and something mildly odd happened as I waited. It just so happened that I was the first person in line (2) to board the bus. Except then I wasn't. A fifty-fiveish fella decided to stroll right up to the front of the line. I was confused, and I looked around to make sure I wasn't the only one who found this development to be quite strange. I saw that commuter number nine or ten had a perplexed scowl on his face.

Yet what was I really supposed to do? I considered pushing him in front of the bus when it arrived. But it was a little too cold for violence. And then the commuter gods smiled upon me. When the bus came it stopped just short of me, so that it was a little to my left while the cutter was to my right. Now, commuter etiquette (at least on Sound Transit and Community transit, I can't speak for those savages who ride King County) dictates that I should wait and let the first guy in line get on before me.

But you know what? We also have an American tradition of WAITING IN LINE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, MR. CUTTER! So I said, "Commuter etiquette be damned!" and I stepped in front of him to board the bus first. It was 5:58 in the morning. I was in no mood for a cutter.

But Notorious C-U-T-T-E-R was not deterred. He, rather aggressively considering his position, tried to get around me, and almost succeeded. We were, I kid you not, actually wedged side-by-side for a second in the bus doorway. But I was victorious. Yet I claim not that victory for myself. I dedicate it to the riders of ST 532, especially you, commuter 9 or 10. I hoped I turned your scowl into a smile.

You can say what you want about me, but don't say that I'm not a thinking man. I visited the DMV a couple weeks ago, and I wanted to do something a little different for my license picture. At first I thought I would do a sexy look (3), but then I realized that I would be wasting a chance to do something practical with my photo. If I ever make it onto a most-wanted list, the authorities are going to use my license pic to show the public. Wouldn't it be to my advantage to make myself look crazy? That day when my picture is played on the news, I want people telling themselves that if they see me, they're going to walk the other way.

Will Ferrell's new movie looks hilarious, but maybe that's just because I'm excited to see that Gob is in it.

I've always liked Ben Stein. He has some interesting points about the state of American capitalism.

1. Just kidding, he's mostly not gay.
2. Let me take this opportunity to remind you that love isn't always on time.
3. By "sexy look" I mean overtly and actively sexy. I am aware that my very face is a constant sexy look.

The Worst Medicine

2007-01-21T17:31:00.000-08:00

I am going to start a new series called “Snapshots of a Corporate Life” in which I will be writing about the little quirks of working for a huge company. This series could just as easily be called, “How Ryan Diluted the Joy of the Last Five Years of His Life”, “They Pay me Just Enough to Not Quit” (Thank you, George Carlin), or “It’s Called Work Because Four-Letter-Words are Unbecoming of a Gentleman”. It could also be named, “I’m Not Laughing Because It’s Not Funny”.

This last possibility is in reference to one of the first things you need to know about corporate life: corporations somehow produce a humor vortex where (nearly) all genuine laughs go to echo no more. What’s funny, is not. What’s not, is funny. All irony is lost.

In the corporate world, Fake Laughter is King. It is the currency of butt-kissing. It is the perpetuator of false community. It is my nemesis.

In order to understand fake laughter, you must understand fake humor. Unfortunately, an easy definition eludes me. The best I can do is to give you an example. What follows is an actual joke from an actual meeting.

Mrs. X: All Mr. X (her husband and our co-worker) does when he’s at home is sit on the couch drinking beer and watching TV. (An awkward statement, for sure, but I’ll have to save The Awkward Co-worker for another day)

Mr. Q: Well, that’s what he does all day at work too!!!

Rest of the room, except myself and a couple of other people: HA! HA! HA! HA! LORD HELP US, THAT’S SO FUNNY! HE! HO! HA! HI! (1)

Not funny. The type of humor that Mr. Q was going for is of the “preposterous reality” variety, in which the joke-teller makes a comparison between what the audience expects to be the case and what the true reality is. To make this brand of joke work, one must be sure to make the “true reality” has three elements. 1. Preposterous 2. Clever 3. Unlikely. Mr. Q clearly whiffed on #2. Had this been his only sin, his joke would have merely been bad. (For instance, Mr. Q could have said that all Mr. X does all day at work is sleep. This would have satisfied numbers 1 and 3, but it would have been cliché rather than funny.)

But it wasn’t his only transgression. He also failed at #3. Mr. X sitting on the couch drinking beer and watching TV at work is not just unlikely, it is impossible. There is no couch at work. He does not have a TV. It absolutely could not happen. It may seem a trivial distinction, but the (however miniscule) possibility of truth is an essential element to this type of joke. Otherwise, you’re just talking crazy. (2)

What Mr. Q basically did was to achieve element #1 by betraying #3, thus not really accomplishing either. And we already established that he never hit #2. His joke was not un-funny, it simply did not exist. It sounded like a joke, it was supposed to be a joke, but, in the end, it was just a hollow shell. It looked just real enough to let the humorless people in the room know when to laugh.

That’s what I mean by fake humor. The laughter in response to it is what I mean by fake laughter.

This is my reality. Though it may seem preposterous, it is all too likely to be funny.

1. Please, please, please, no matter how great the temptation, do not become one of these people. You’ll only encourage the fake humorists.
2. People say that every joke has an element of truth. I don’t agree. Every funny joke needs an element of possible truth.

On Holidays and Haircuts

2007-01-18T18:03:00.000-08:00

I don’t understand holidays designated for honoring people, be it Martin Luther King Jr. day or President's day. I agree that Dr. King, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln were all great men.(1) I'm just not sure how giving them their own day and taking said day off of work (for us lucky ones) honors them. I am not alone. Not even this nation's marketing gurus have figured it out for us. Surely the answer lies in buying some sort of consumer product. Until they provide that answer for me, I suppose I am left to my own devices to figure out how. So Monday I decided to honor MLK by not discriminating on the basis of color, and by refusing to give up my seat and sit in the back of my car. (2) My next challenge is going to be figuring out a way to honor Presidents Washington and Lincoln. Ideas are welcome.

I got my haircut a few days ago. It was an interesting experience. My hairdresser was a fiftyish woman who was, though plenty nice, also quite strange. Among the odd interactions were:

1. While washing my hair she noticed the bump on my head (3), and tried to subtly ask her co-worker to come over and feel my head. (As if I wouldn’t notice a woman walking over and touching my head). I thought it was quite brazen of her to be soliciting people to feel my bump. Then she told her co-worker that she wanted her to be able to vouch that I came in that way. “It’s a shame that in this day and age we have to prove we didn’t do something just so that people can’t sue us.” Indeed, weird lady.

2. She informed me that she was stranded at her house after the recent windstorm (for those of you who live outside the area, the power was out for several days in some parts), because she couldn’t figure out how to open her garage door without the electric opener.

3. After telling me that her boyfriend (sounded current) was a lawyer, she paused and then said, “I really hate him.” I kept waiting for the joke, and it did not come.

4. She seemed very intent on convincing me that “You should really get cable.”

5. One of the reasons that I should get cable is so that I can watch Forensic Files. She made it a point to assure me that she does not like this show because she wants to learn how to kill people.

6. Long after pleasantries were exchanged she suddenly told me “You are such an attractive man.” She returned to this theme later when she, again randomly, said, “Gosh you are so cute.” This comment was immediately followed by, “You could be my son, huh?” You’ll have to take my word for it when I say that she seemed to mean it in the sense of “You could be my son, so that would be so crazy if we hooked up.”

I'm not sure how I can possibly recognize the legitimacy of this feature on 80's movie villains when it does not include Ivan Drago of Rocky IV. In fact, I can't.

I'm pretty upset that my local Starbucks deprives me of this opportunity.

For those of you who follow American Idol (I do not), you might want to be aware of the opportunity to harass some of the contestants via their myspace pages.

I hope the rumor of a Magnum P.I. movie starring Matthew McConaughey is true. If he can make mustaches cool again then maybe my girlfriend will let me grow another one.

1. And yes, I still count them as great even though Martin Luther King, Jr. liked to sleep with white women who were not his wife, and GW owned slaves.

2. No one asked me to do this. I was seriously prepared to refuse.

3. I forget exactly what it's called, but my doctor is aware of it and he did not seem too concerned. Thanks for yours.

Two luge or not two.

2007-01-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

I have to thank one of my favorite homosexuals(just kidding), John Aaron, for sharing this amazing video with me. However, I must vehemently dispute its claim that it is showcasing "The Most Gayest Sport On Earth". That claim has to go to the two-man luge. Sure, male aerobic dancing is more overtly homosexual. I won't dispute that. Yet the thing you have to understand about the two-man luge is that it is EXACTLY THE SAME as the luge, except for the fact that guy number two comes over and lays on top of guy number one. In other words, the defining characteristic of the TML is two men laying on one another. This would be like if we created a new sport, two-man racing, except the only thing different was that the second man sat on the driver's lap. That would be extremely gay.

If ever there was a sport that we were 99% sure was invented by a homosexual, it is the TML. In fact, though I was unable to verify this, I suspect that the sport was born after a gay luge athlete made the off-hand comment to his parther that, "the only thing more exciting than sex is the luge," and then a lightbulb went off in his head.

These paintings made me sad that I am not an artist. They are good.

"Ok, class, make a goofy face!"

Those of you who are fans of the british version of The Office (I guess that means you, Philip and Matt) might be interested in this interview with its creator, Ricky Gervais.

Just horsing around

2007-01-09T18:10:00.000-08:00

I've already asked a couple of you the following thought experiment. Since the last thing I want to do is bore you (1), if you've already heard my hypothetical involving a horse please skip ahead. For the rest of you, here goes:

You are having a conversation with your significant other (if you're single, you can perhaps substitute a parent or beloved grocery worker). Suddenly, he/she(2) morphs, before your very eyes, into a horse. This is not something that you would ever, ever believe, except that you actually watched it happen. Obviously, you wouldn't still love him/her because, well, he/she's a horse(3). But my question is, what do you do with the horse? Do you simply sell it? Most of us have neither the appropriate experience nor residence to own a horse. And yet it's not just any horse, it's your loved one. So do you try and move someplace where you can own a horse? Do tell.

I think my first reaction would be to sell Vanessa (4). I would tend to blame her for turning into a horse. That may sound harsh, but people don't just randomly change species. I would assume that she somehow did something to deserve it. Yet in the end I would somehow keep her. I can't promise that I wouldn't move on and try to find a human to settle down with, but if she spontaneously turned into a horse she could just as easily change back. Horses have drastically different lifestyles than people, and I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't there to give her some clothes and to help her re-adjust to life as a human.

I saw the new Rocky movie on Sunday. I was disappointed. I can't articulate exactly why, but I left the theater feeling unsatisfied(5). The movie was not terrible. If you were planning on seeing it, you should know that most people seem to like it, so don't be swayed by my opinion.

I've made just one new year's resolution: to better manage my time. Everything I want to accomplish stems from that. I generally don't like new year's resolutions, but I remembered that the most successful one I've ever made was also the only one I made that year. I thought I could try it again. If you ask me what it was, I may tell you. And I may not.

This story cracked me up. It seems that twenty-five percent of Americans believe it is at least somewhat likely that Jesus Christ will return to Earth in 2007. 11 percent of those surveyed said it is "very likely". 42 percent said it was "not at all likely." Where do these people get their confidence? I would very much enjoy watching a debate between one of the "very likely" people and one of the "not at all likely" crowd. I would be absolutely fascinated to hear their reasoning as to whether Christ will specifically be back in '07. You can count me among the only 8% of people who said they had no idea.

1. Actually, the last thing I want to do is hurt someone I love, or die, or be responsible for the deaths of many. I could go on. I'm pretty sure that boring you is more like the 203,487th thing I want to do. I don't know where these expressions come from, but they are frequently amusing (to me, anyway).

2. I mean 'he/she' in the sense of "either he or she" and not in the hermaphroditical sense. Though, if that's what does it for you, you're free to interpret it that way.

3. Or more precisely, because he/she is an animal. The exact species of the animal is irrelevant (I would hope).

4. Hopefully, for a lot of money if selling her would actually be my real choice. Thus, I would wish that Vanessa' diabetes would not cross species- it might drive down the value of the horse. I would, though, like the horse to have pink cheeks. The novelty factor might increase its value.

5. A simple Snickers bar, if the old commercial is to be believed, would have solved that problem. Stupid me.

The dentist and Jeffrey Dahmer

2006-12-21T18:21:00.000-08:00

If I ever have to hire a professional torcherer, there are very few locations that I might provide him to do his work where, after my asking "Is there anything else you need?" he replies, "Actually, no. This is perfect." One such place is a dentist's office. That is probably why I hate going to the dentist. It is definitely why I opt out of the laughing gas when I have a cavity filled. I rather dislike the thought of lying helplessly in an adjustable, swiveling chair designed to increase the torque with which a person might pull out my teeth.

You might be thinking that I'm paranoid, that I have no reason to suspect my dentist and her older-than-average dental hygentists wish to do me great harm. True. But I would point out to you that if Jeffrey Dahmer had worn a "Likely to rape, kill, and eat you" shirt (or even a "Moderately likely to rape, kill, and eat you" shirt) his victims would still be alive. My point is that you cannot always spot a crazy person who wants to do you harm. Next time you get a cavity feel free to tempt fate. I will not.

Vanessa won $17 dollars playing bingo the other night. The jackpot was $100, but, unfortunately, there were several other winners that game. She feels cheated because she "thinks" that she used up her only chance to win. I tried to point out to her that games of chance don't discriminate between previous-winners and non-winners. She was not persuaded. Whatever. Please congratulate her on her win. Or if you believe absolutely that all forms of gambling is a sin, let her know that she is going to hell.

You know you want to. Pimp my nutcracker.

Editing movie clips and using music to re-make movie trailers has become cliche. But it can still be fun. Rolling Stone magazine compiled a list of some of the best ones. Were "Dumb and Dumber" and the action/drama "Heat" actually gay love stories?

Is the fight over merchants saying "Merry Christmas" really worth it? It is if you're trying to raise money. Personally, I think it is silly and stupid for a store to make it a point to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." However, it is not something that I believe is worth getting worked up over. When it comes to Christians as a group, there are finite resources (be it money, time, or political capital) that the church has to work with towards all causes that deserve our attention. There are much, much more important things to devote ourselves to than whether Wal-mart gives us the appropriate holiday greeting. I fear that for some of us, it makes us feel like we are standing up for the faith or accomplishing something truly meaningful when we make a fight out of such things. We seem to have largley succeeded in forcing businesses to say "Merry Christmas." My prediction: not a single soul will be saved as a result, nor will it have any actual affect on our society's long march toward secularism or general frivolousness (in my opinion the greater danger). So how important can "Merry Christmas" really be? I don't need Target to help me celebrate the birth of my savior.

Do economists agree on climate change? Yes.

2006-12-07T17:40:00.000-08:00

I've never really been into the Left Behind series. It's not because I don't like to read (I do), or that I don't enjoy post-apocalyptic pop fiction (occasionally, I do). Rather, the series lost any hint of credibility the minute that Kirk Cameron was cast as the main character in the Left Behind movies. (I know I've said this before, forgive me).

I understand that part of enjoying a movie is suspending one's disbelief. I choose to believe that a man of Sylvester Stallone's height (God bless him) could actually be a successful fighter because I want to enjoy Rocky Balboa when it's hits theaters this Christmas. However, a person can only suspend disbelief up to a point. And I can simply not believe that God would not take Kirk Cameron to heaven with him. Kirk Cameron would never actually be "left behind".

Having said that for those of you that are fans of LB, you might like to hear that there is a new video game being released that is based on the series. According to the New York Times, "Combines Tom Clancy like suspense with touches of romance, high-tech flash and Biblical references." Whatever that means.

Here is an interesting (and long) interview with Sly Stallone in which he addresses various details about his upcoming movies Rocky Balboa and Rambo IV, and also answers questions about past movies like, "For the love of all that is good and Holy.
How do you use the 3 seashells?!" If you understand what that question is referencing you are probably a male between the ages of 20-35.

For those of you who are familiar with Mars Hill Church (Seattle not that other one), the protest against Pastor Mark Driscoll has been called off.

If any ladies out there are considering going steady with Jesus, read this first.

My elbow skin got pinched by a mall santa

2006-12-04T17:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted a blog. I'm going to try and be more consistent going forward. I can't believe it's alreay into December. I haven't even done anything Christmassy like put up a tree, go sledding, or distributing my annual "Santa's not real, or if he is he's probably dead" literature to local elementary schools.

A tip for all the men out there, if you are thinking of taking your significant other to one of those paint-your-own-pottery places, you need to know that you may be in there for several hours. I'm not saying (,Vanessa,) that I didn't enjoy it, but I sure wasn't counting on it taking that long. If you're like me and you are not artistic, you may make the mistake of thinking that you'll take the easy way out and simply paint a phrase like "Coffee is better than disease" on a mug. Unfortunately, painting all the tight spaces in and around letters is very time consuming. On the bright side, you can pass the time by amusing yourself (and probably only yourself) through asking the workers such questions as, "Are we allowed to paint anatomically correct images of ourselves?, or, if you're more daring than I was but share the same sense of humor, "Are we allowed to paint ethnic slurs?"

Depending on the individual and your current mood, this video will either make you cry, smile, laugh. I didn't laugh.

Here is an idea I wish I had thought of. Involves enterprising atheists. Unfortunately I just tried the site and the bandwith is exceeded. It is worth coming back to try at a later time.

If you instantly recognize this phrase, "I learned it from watching you!", you are probably a child of the eighties. And you might enjoy The 50 Greatest Commercials of the ’80s.

For the 'Curb' fans among us, this sounds like comedy gold!

If you are looking forward to 'Rocky 6' (and I am), then you might also be delighted about this sequel.

Finally, something for the global warming skeptics among us.

The Race to College

2006-11-13T17:03:00.000-08:00

In the next few weeks I am going to start applying to Law School. I did well enough, though not as well as a I hoped or expected, to have a legitimate shot at gaining admission to almost any law school in the country. Only the top fifteen schools or so are likely unattainable. If only I was black or hispanic. If that were the case I would be a shoe-in at virtually every law school in the country. (Save for state schools in Washington, California, and, as of last tuesday, Michigan- voters in those states have the crazy idea that applicants should be judged as individuals and not as members of racial groups.) According to an article in the Wall Street Journal, I should be glad I'm not Asian. I can't link to it, because it is subscription only, but here is compelling snapshot:

The University of Michigan may be poised for a similar leap in Asian-American enrollment, now that voters in that state have banned affirmative action. The Center for Equal Opportunity study found that, among applicants with a 1240 SAT score and 3.2 grade point average in 2005, the university admitted 10% of Asian-Americans, 14% of whites, 88% of Hispanics and 92% of blacks.

There is no reason to believe that graduate school admissions work any differently. The idea that we should treat people so drastically different based only on their race is, despite the best of intentions, so blatantly wrong and un-American. Again, I understand the intent behind racial preferences, but the logic is deeply twisted. The real problem lies largely with the public education system from K-12. Minority kids are not less smart than whites or asians. What they need is a level playing field, not an artificially adjusted scoreboard in the form of de facto quotas.

How do we level the playing field? For one, by widening access to private schools and the better public schools. Relatively wealthy white families can afford to send their kids to private schools or move to the best school districts. If more minorities were allowed the use of vouchers, this advantage would cease to be so pronounced. One of the more interesting political stories of the last few years is the unlikely alliance between many minority groups and conservatives in support of vouchers.

Teachers unions continue to be the largest roadblock to vouchers. From what I have read and from news reports that I have seen about them, when it comes to this issue, I find them to be one of the most self-interested, morally repugnant unions around. It seems like then exist solely to protect bad teachers. Ultimately, they are afraid of the competition that private schools would bring. If it was easier for students to flee bad schools then, inevitably, many of them would fold. Public school teachers' jobs would be lost. The unions can't have that. They would quite literally rather see millions of kids suffer through a poor education.

But don't believe me. Read this.

That was weird. I just happened to stumble upon this guy who's got very different ideas about how to improve education.

Rev. Haggard: Gay or Not Gay? and more.

2006-11-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

This story will be HUGE if the allegations about Rev. Ted Haggard having gay liasons with a manwhore turn out to be true. The "expert on lying" in this article doesn't believe his denials. Here is how I break down the story.

Things that suggest it is

1. Haggard sure stepped down awfully quick from the NAE
2. His denials do not seem nearly strenuous enough. If someone accused me of this I would be outraged, and I'd be calling the guy a lunatic and saying that I couldn't wait until everyone realizes this wacko doesn't have a stitch of evidence, because there is none.

Things that suggest it is not

1. The accuser has not released any evidence. (Though he says he has some and may be trying to sell it)
2. The timing is suspicious. Colorado is voting on a gay marriage amendment, and this guy may be trying to discredit a prominent supporters.
3. If I'm Ted Haggard and I'm looking for a prostitute, do I really choose a 49-year-old? Really? Don't I try and find someone a little younger? I think I do.

This whole story makes me nervous. My dad was a professor at Jimmy Swaggart Bible College when he had his downfall. It created chaos in many many lives that were connected with his ministry. I really really hope this story is not true. Besides the specific impact on people's lives, it will be another reason for people to distrust ministers, and another angle for hollywood to lampoon Christians. Did we really need another prominent hypocritical pastor? Again, let's hope this is not true.

This article in Christianity Today is one of the best I've read in a long time. Professor David Gushee spells out, much better than I ever could, some reservations I've held for a long time about the church's "outsourcing" of it's duties to the government. Here is an excerpt:

How can we truly believe that the world's transformation is happening right here, right among us, when we can't stop divorce in our midst, or abortion, or greed, or internal church conflicts?

Ironically, we turn to the state to enforce the values we can't seem to advance in our own churches. We're rightly concerned about our collapsing families, internet pornography, decadent movies and music, and the weakening of sexual morality. But we often can't seem to prevent the encroachment of these problems in our own Christian families and congregations. As if in response, we keep trying to change our nation's laws.

I have more to say on this, as it pertains to gay marriage, but I'll save that for another post.

Son of famous evangelical says he is leaving the Republican party.

If you're a fan of the NBA and/or humorous writing, you should read this NBA preview. This guys is one of my favorite reads.

These are some of the coolest pics I've ever seen.

SNL and more

2006-11-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

Interesting story about how iTunes saved The Office.

Cool picture of a message the troops in Iraq have for John Kerry.

Long, but worthwhile article on SNL. When I think about SNL for too long it kinda makes me sad. When I was in junior high and high school, it used to be a show that peopled looked forward to watching. It used to form pop culture in way that it doesn't anymore. Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Conan O'brien have taken the mantle, I think.

I recently had a conversation about "the next Will Ferrell," and I decided that the very fact that we were talking about SNL in such a way was very informative. If you asked people, circa 2000, who their favorite SNL cast member was, 90% of people would say Ferrell. SNL might as well have been called the Will Ferrell Show during his years. Contrast that with the early-mid 90's. If you asked people the same question then, you'd get answers like: Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, David Spade, Kevin Nealon. I wish we weren't hoping for the next great cast member. I'd like to see the next great cast.

For the Arrested Development fans among us, you'll be happy to hear that the show's creator is working on a new series. Although nothing will ever replace that brilliant show.

The biggest loser.

2006-10-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Another Republican voice says what many true conservatives feel: I hope we lose. I share her feelings. When Tuesday roles around, I am sure that I'll have mixed emotions, yet in the end I believe that the current congress does not deserve to rule again unscathed. Some of the bloodshed is undeserved. As Noonan points out, the real target is the President. But congressional Republicans deserve blame for not standing up to him.

On Karate Kid

2006-10-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

One thought on the Karate Kid movies before I give you my one link for the day:

Didn't John G. Avildsen (the director of Karate Kid I, II, and III) realize that he was poisoning Karate Kid I, when in II we learn that Ali (yes, with an I) has fallen in love with some football player from UCLA? I could have dealt with that, though, because Daniel found Kumiko, and she was an exotic beauty with a good heart. But then we learn in III that that relationship doesn't work out either.

This is the most compelling reason why III should have never come into existence. The most compelling reason it should have, of course, is the inclusion of Thomas Ian Griffith and the re-inclusion of Martin Kove. Why settle for one bad sensei when you can have two? They were not enough, though.

I blame Avildsen for the rise in movies with a cynical view of love. With Karate Kids II and III, he taught audiences that movie love does not, in fact, last forever. Damn you, Mr Avildsen. Daniel Larruso and Ali Mills should still be together.

On to the daily link.

For you text messangers out there who want to spread the good news via texting, here are some verse translations for you. This was the winning verse.

Luke 6: 20-23:
Hpy RU por; da kngdm is yrs! Hpy RU hngry; U wl Bfild! Hpy RU sad; u wl lol! Hpy RU whn ppl h8 U Bcos of da Lrd! B gld&dnce 4jy Bcos a gt prz is kpt 4U in hvn.

Staying Out of the Booth

2006-10-25T15:20:00.000-07:00

I found this article interesting. He talks about why evangelicals may stay out of the voting booth come november. His main point is that there are theological reasons why evangelicals may not vote.

Broadly put, the theological case for the religious to steer clear of politics, or at least to avoid believing that the accumulation and exercise of earthly power should be one’s focus, lies in words Jesus spoke to Pilate. “My kingdom is not of this world …” he said to the proconsul, a point echoed by St. Paul, who said that, for Christians, “all are one” in Jesus, and that God favors no nation or class or race or sex. “We have no lasting city,” writes the author of Hebrews, “but seek the city which is to come.” Politicians can be false gods; for believers, the argument goes, there can be no other god before God.

The kind of pietism he refers to is making somewhat of a comeback. Greg Boyd, the prominent (or should I say notorious- due to his openness theology) theologian and pastor recently wrote a high profile book on the subject.

If it turns out that exit polls confirm that evangelicals stayed home on Nov. 2, I wonder if this is going to be the angle pursued by the media. Are they going to write stories about how Mark Foley and other abuses of Republican power turned off christian voters? Because the reality might not be that evangelicals turned sour on political power. It may be (and the article hints at this) that Republicans didn't use their power enough when it came to the issues that evangelicals care about, such as abortion, same-sex marriage, etc.

This brings about the next question: will the Republicans and the Pat Robertson's of the world learn the right lessons, from what seems like certain general defeat, if they misunderstand why they lost?

Introducing: DeityPhobia News

2006-10-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

News Bulletin
_______________________________________________________________________________________Show Show Me the Mammon!
By Ryan Bleek
DeityPhobia News

Houston- The Eye of the Needle Investment Group announced on Friday the creation of its Tithes & Offerings Promised Blessing Income Fund, or TOP-BIF. The mutual fund claims up to a 1000% return on investment. "A lot of people tell me, ‘Mike that’s crazy. You can’t possibly beat the market by that much’," says the fund’s creator Mike Ridley. "That’s true if we were simply investing in corporations. But God’s arithmetic is different." TOP-BIF uses its investors’ assets to finance churches’ building funds, buy satellite time for televangelists, and to tithe to various mega-churches.

Ridley says he came up with the idea for TOP-BIF after he personally experienced the rewards of giving. "I was in church one Sunday when, just before they passed the offering plate around, a businessman gave his testimony. He said that after he started tithing his business started to thrive. When the plate came around I knew I should give, cause I needed money too." On his way home from church, Ridley claims, he found a wallet with $500 inside. "It must have been someone’s rent money or something. Either way, it was proof that God really does reward our faithful giving. I knew I was onto something huge. That’s where the vision for TOP-BIF was born."

When asked if there are studies to back up his claims of incredible investment returns, Ridley replies that the evidence is "purely, but solidly" anecdotal. "If you want to hear some incredible stories about God’s financial blessings, just visit a church that is in the middle of raising funds for a new building." According to Ridley, the results are 100% consistent. "The testimonies are always the same. If you give to God, God will give to you."

What, says Ridley, is the best part of investing in Tithes & Offerings Promised Blessing Income Fund? "It’s all in complete obedience to the Word. I could pull out verse after verse that refer to the Lord’s blessings. I haven’t read the whole Bible myself, but it seems from the sermons I hear that pretty much the whole idea of it is that God really wants to bless us. The easiest way to make God bless us is to give. That’s why I created TOP-BIF." And the greatest part for investors is that the blessings always seem to be denominated in US dollars.

If anyone would like to write a satire article for DeityPhobia News, write me at Ryan@DeityPhobia.com